Have you ever been - lost

 26 and lost. 

When we were younger, we watched older people using this lost word extensively and here I am living through it. Not really sure what went wrong but it is real. 

I remember the day when I found out that I passed my last ICAEW paper back in December 2019. I have been lost since then. Started my first job in public accounting 3 years ago and my short term goal has always been to finish my papers and become a ICAEW chartered accountants. 

Here I am qualifying for it when the 3 years training agreement is up end of the month and all of the sudden I feel like I got lost in transition. 

Times where I feel that I am nowhere. Nowhere close to where I want to be and nowhere close to finding out where I want to be. Everything seems alright to be honest. I am still breathing, having a job and earning money. But I am constantly being bothered and feeling unnecessary pressure from time to time. Not knowing what is the end of this linear route, what lies ahead and whether am I on track. I feel as though I am slowly losing control of my own life. No goals and nothing to look forward to. I don't know if I have been running in my life or have I been wandering in the lack of direction.

Expectation gaps do exist. When I was younger, I imagined how my life would be right now and I planned it and lived through it meticulously. But reality checked. I am here in the cycle now and everything seems just so-so. Although I have somehow achieved what I wanted to but it isn't as fabulous as what I imagined.  

So what is exactly wrong now? I have spent some time myself to look for an answer. I read books and I listened to others' experience. I seek help and advice from people. 

They said time for soul searching. They asked what are you rushing? 

The more I ask and the more I listen, it becomes even more chaotic for myself. It feels like they got it all figured out and they are speaking while I was drowning. Then I realised I should have listened to myself. 

It is the unknown. We are anxious because we are worried about the future. I know at this point of time I am longing for a change. The anxiety of living in the unknown is painful yet it is necessary for a change. The more I try to make known of the unknown, the more insecurity and uncertainty I have to embrace. Maybe I am trying too hard to make sense of life. Life is full of unknown anyways. What makes it worse is we are going through a global pandemic which increases the uncertainties in life. 

It is harder than ever to make a decision as compared to when you are younger. It feels like a change means starting from zero again and you have much more to lose right now if things go wrong. You need the leap of faith to believe that things will change for the better but not for the worse. But who will really know. 

It begins when you really take the first step out to make certain changes in your life, from the little details in the daily life to the big decision that finally land you on the meaningful path. Of course, it is easier said than done. But I guess it is either do it or don't do it. There is no how. 

I know I probably will still be lost for a while. I may still be wrong for a lot of things. 

But I hope being lost and wrong brings opportunity for change and growth.